Yes, I forgive you, but it doesn’t mean I trust you …

Does forgiving someone who hurt you so severely mean you trust them again?

After screaming these words about her longtime lover after their terrible breakup because of his indiscretions, my friend asked me the question: 

Our mutual friend told her she should trust him again because everyone makes mistakes. Part of “forgiving” him was to trust him again, forget what happened, and move on with her life.

Hmm … now I didn’t quite agree with her sentiments, especially when I don’t believe–nor have I ever believed–that cheating is a “mistake” OR that there is any excuse for it. 

If things are not working out between you and your lover, then realize that it’s OK to walk away and get out of the relationship before it gets to the point where you feel you need to cheat. 

But more to my friend’s question, I believe that just because you “forgive” someone for hurting you doesn’t mean you will immediately “trust” them again, or ever, for that matter.  

Nor does it mean you have to get back together with them.  I say this because “trust” is something one must earn. 

So, if I’ve given you my heart, my trust, my life, and you decide to betray all of it … I’ll be hurt, I’ll still love you, and I’ll even “forgive” you — because forgiving is for myself. I will not give you that kind of power over me. Still, I will not “trust” you yet … or perhaps ever.  

My “trust” is something that you will have to earn all over again, and that can only happen in time, and maybe not at all. 

Further explaining my opinion to my friend, I shared the following: Some couples will choose to stay together despite their trust issues.  Suppose they’ve developed a strong friendship as the foundation of their love, and they have children together, or finances are held together. In that case, even though one may not trust the other, the couple may decide breaking up is not an option for them and will just try to work through their issues. 

This can sometimes be a huge mistake because, too often, couples stay together for reasons that have nothing to do with either of them but everything to do with the children.  While staying in a relationship for the children’s sake may seem noble, kids are aware and can see what is or is not going on!  

So adults should know that they’re not fooling them at all.  I’ve spoken to many people who grew up in such households, and most admitted that they were happy when their parents decided to end their relationship.  They grew tired of the constant arguing and witnessing the lack of affection between them each day.  It was more painful for the children to watch than for the parents to pretend.

For them, their parents getting a divorce meant a chance for them to start over with someone new with whom they could find real happiness.   Because, after all, what children really want is true happiness for their parents … even if that means them being separated from one another.  

Now, others I’ve spoken to believe that no matter what happens, as long as true love exists or you’re married, the only option is to work together to repair the relationship.   In this case, “love” is the only thing that matters, and obviously, that includes the children and not the situation, just “love.”

They believe that “love conquers all” and that exoneration from cheating only requires the offending party to work hard to prove they are worth trusting again. The offended party acknowledges this and accepts the effort being put forth. 

Then some believe that once a cheater, always a cheater.  And stated that by no means would they ever consider giving a second chance to someone who disregarded the relationship as if it never existed, to nonchalantly take part in a clandestine affair with another.   This form of betrayal simply did not pass their logic check.  

So I left her with this: What it really comes down to is: What do you believe?  

Suppose you honestly don’t think you will ever be able to “trust” your lover again. In that case, you should walk away and never look back because re-building “trust” in a relationship requires participation from both parties.  

But, if you are still in love with your partner and you think it’s possible to repair the relationship, then by all means, move on with it and start re-building the trust levels between you two.  And just because you’ve forgiven them does not mean you have to “trust” them immediately.  It only means that you are willing to put forth the effort it takes to repair a broken relationship so that you can begin to heal your pain. 

The “trust” issue will correct itself soon enough…as long as both parties are willing to give all that it takes to make that happen.  Either way, we must understand that it’s OK when relationships don’t work out because not all do.  And when they don’t, we must not harbor the negativity, bitterness, vindictiveness, hatred, and unhappiness that a broken relationship can bring — as this only causes you more pain and keeps you from healing completely.  

So, instead, we should try refocusing our attention on moving past the experience to begin healing properly.  Yes, it may hurt for a while. You may experience a temporary loss of joy and unhappiness — but in the long run, you will feel better knowing that you’ve made a sound decision, removed yourself from a negative situation, and opened yourself up to experience more greatness in your life.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? 

Chime in and tell us what you think!  Are “forgiveness” and “trust” mutually exclusive – OR – are they mutually inclusive?  The coffee is brewing, and we are waiting, so join the conversation and start sharing your thoughts!